21 Ways to Better Understand Your Man

1. Men are not mind readers. Ask for what you want with exactness. Hints of any kind will either not be noticed or misread. Just come out with it.

2. Most men are natural problem solvers. If you actually want help solving a problem, your man will help you get straight to a solution. Call your girlfriends if you are just looking for sympathy or attention.

3. Shopping is your sport, Monday Night Football is his. Let him enjoy his moment of Zen, while you enjoy yours.

4. If you can whine about him not being romantic and suave all the time, he can whine about you not wearing lingerie to bed and your 6 month  long "headache".

 5. Men consider crying a form of blackmail, but if it works...

6. If you've handed your man a "Honey-Do" list, do not follow with a list of instructions of how to accomplish his tasks. He made it through part of his life without your instruction, believe it or not.

7. When your man asks you a question, a simple answer of "Yes" or "No" will typically suffice.

8. If you have a nightly "headache" that has lasted for six months or more, please make an appointment with a physician and a counselor or sex therapist.

9. When arguing, men like to refer to the present because they know women have a special section reserved in their brains that can store an arsenal of fumbled comments from the past. In the world of men, all comments are inadmissible after 7 days, unless he opens his arsenal first; then you may fire away.

10. Practice putting the toilet seat down. He needs it up, you need it down. If you can whine about it being up, he can whine about it being down.

11. If your BMI is over 25, do not ask your man if you are fat. It's called entrapment.

12. It is counter-productive to your man's sense of peace to make you angry. If you have misconstrued a fumbled comment into a "You don't love me anymore"-fest, you might want to give him a chance to rephrase. Nine times out of ten, he didn't mean for it to come out in a way that would get him in trouble.

13. Only attempt to carry on a conversation during a Television show if you desire to become irate and start a fight. Otherwise, save comments for during commercials, or for some men, until the power goes out.

14. Noses will be picked, crotches will be scratched, and SBD's will be launched without warning; frequently. Don't fight it. No woman ever won this battle.

15. If your man notices your obvious discontent and asks "What's wrong?" and you answer "Nothing", expect for him to assume you really meant "nothing". Otherwise you will have to fume and bang some more cupboard doors for a few more hours until he asks again so you can unload your arsenal of irritations from the last month on him.

16. If you can't handle the truth, don't ask for it.

17. Unlike women who speak in metaphors and secret phrases that say one thing but mean another, men actually mean what they say. Try not to read into his comment "That looks fine" to translate to what it means when you say it, "Yeah. I guess I'll have to make do with that."

18. Addendum to rule 17: Most of the time men mean what they say. There are the occasions where his comment may reflect a fear of getting in trouble or having to explain everything about the comment. For example, 

"Honey, if you don't want to go to that restaurant, it's ok. Tell me which one you want to go to."

"I'm just not in the mood for Chinese. Can we go Italian?"

"Why do you suddenly not like Chinese? Why do you want Italian?"

Case in point: In depth review of the reasons behind comments and choices is something all men prefer to avoid. Let it be.

19. Bargaining is a necessary evil. If he wants you to serve up a tasty tray of goodies while he has the guys over for poker night, you get to have the girls over for drinks and loud conversations about all things female while he plays bartender.

20. He has seen all of your outfits. It is unnecessary to go through each one prior to an outing asking, "What about this one?" Look at what he's wearing. I'm sure whatever you can find will be fine.

21. Addendum to rule 20: Even though he has seen all of your lingerie, going through each outfit asking, "What about this one?" is no trouble at all. He would love to help you figure out which one you want to wear.

 How to Forgive and Forget 

Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice

When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:

1. Don’t start without your spouse
   If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”.
2. Handle negative emotions responsiblyWhen we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go.
3. Deal with one issue at a timeRemember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong.  This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing.
4. Be clear about your perspectiveGive each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem.
5. Hold your relationship more dear than this issueSometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right.
6. Walk in an attitude of forgivenessIf you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another many  times. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off.

Get him to appreciate you

Do you sometimes feel that you could be out all day and your bloke wouldn't even notice you'd gone? Do you think that he doesn't spot all the things you do for him?

You're not alone. Women up and down the country feel that they're not appreciated by their partner. But on the other hand men moan that when they do make an effort we don't notice. So what's the real problem here? And how can we avoid taking each other for granted?

One thing that scientists do know is that generally speaking, men have a natural urge to hunt, gather, provide and survive. Women have a natural urge to care, nurture and look after others.

Dating Doctor Peter Spalton says, 'Men like the excitement of the chase. When they've found a partner the chase is over so they put their energy into things like their career, sport or another interest. They don't realise that they still need to work at keeping their partner.'

If you feel unappreciated by your man it's time to take action. 'You need to think about what you can do to tempt your man back - because that's what it's really all about.

 We've come up with 9 simple things you can do to get him to appreciate you more

1. Do less

Do you iron his shirts, do his washing, make his dinner and more
besides? Stop! The more you do, the more he'll let you do without
lifting a finger. This isn't selfish or spiteful - this is just part of a
man's nature.

Tell him you won't do his washing any more because you have too much to
do or that you want to spend time doing something else. Once he starts
doing things for himself he'll realise how much you do for him. 

2. Love yourself more

Confidence is sexy. It doesn't matter what size or shape you are, men
find women who love their bodies a turn-on.

This is easier said than done. If you don't feel it fake it, just for
one day. Wear sexy underwear or your favourite outfit, do your nails, do
something that makes you feel sexy and see what response you get.

3. Be selfish

It's easy to get into a routine where you're the one doing everything
for everyone else. You end up with no time to yourself and feel
resentful.

It's time to be selfish and make some time for yourself. Ask your
partner to take the kids off your hands for a while so you can do
whatever you want to do.

If you can make this a regular thing it's another way to encourage your
man to appreciate you. He'll see you more as an individual and someone
who has their own interests. 

4. Play hard to get

from my study field and experiences 'Men love to chase, so you needs to play a bit hard to get his heart and mind, dislike you make him tired and exhausted from chase , be nice and know your man limit.

5. Build up your own self-confidence

Generally speaking, women tend to put more effort in to supporting and
building the confidence of their partners, rather than themselves. This
is a great skill to have but sometimes we need a little confidence boost
and we don't get it from our partners.

The best foundation for self-confidence is from our own approval of
ourselves rather than the approval of our partner, other men, other
women or what the media says.

Taking baby steps is the way forward. Start by thinking about one thing
that you're good at or that you like about yourself. Remind yourself of
this every day until you really believe it. 

6. Remember you're a woman

'People put up masks to protect themselves for whatever reason,
 'Often a women (or a man) in a serious relationship will
send a signal that says "I'm taken, so stay away"
'The problem is that this can become a habit and also keep their partner
away. She gets sucked into the day-to-day stuff like kids and work and
doesn't have the time or inclination to be womanly and sexy.'

7. Leave him be

Men like to take action and be proactive, they show they care with
actions. He works hard because he wants to provide for you and show you
he loves you, not just because he loves his job. 
Understand that this is one way he shows he loves you and let him know
that you appreciate the way he provides for you and the family. This
should lead to him showing you more respect and encourage a happier
relationship.

8. Accept his compliments

If you've been together a long time and you lack confidence it becomes
automatic that you brush off compliments. Your bloke may say: 'You look
nice in that top' and you reply with: 'Oh it's just an old thing, it's
too tight, too loose, the wrong colour, etc'.

This sort of reaction makes him feel rejected and he may think there's
no point in giving you compliments.
Next time he gives you a compliment accept it, say thank you and use it
as an opportunity to flirt and get what you want. Whether that's more
sex or him to do some dusting!

9. Flirt and tease

Most women are very good at flirting and teasing but get out of the habit when they get into a relationship. Women have 52 flirting tricks up their sleeve, men only have 10. And women should go 3 times over the top so he starts to pay attention.

10 Things Your Man Really Wants in Bed

During your marriage there will be many things that rob the two of you of each other's attention -- work, hobbies, periods of intense navel-gazing -- but nothing will ever hit you with the intensity of parenthood. Where warm, fuzzy feelings used to reign now lives a persistent sense of being misunderstood, unheard and under appreciated, for somewhere in your minds is a tape that goes like this: "If you loved me, you would..." -- "give me more help with the house and kids" (that's your tape) -- "give me more sex" (that's his).

If you're so tired that you can't see straight, sex seems like just another chore. Your husband, meanwhile, feels that your attentions have been permanently reassigned to the children and that he's basically been abandoned. 

Stop! In the midst of the demands of parenthood, you must find a way to give -- and get -- the attention you both desperately need, so your desire for each other doesn't wither. You won't get anywhere until you both accept that you're overwhelmed. It may help to look at your expectations -- of yourselves and each other -- and ask, what's good enough for now? By asking that question whenever something in marriage disappoints you, you'll have a shot at being happy with the way things are rather than just wishing they were otherwise. 

On some issues he'll bend more. On others you will. With luck, your husband will make the stretch and reach out to you -- maybe by taking the kids for one whole Saturday or by truly stepping up to the chores. Then you'll have to throw him a bone. Will it feel forced sometimes? Yes. Will you be tired? Yes. Will it feel planned, controlled? Yes. Will you want to bag it because it's just too hard? Yes. But at least you'll have tried, and sometimes that's good enough.

Men often appear to be mysterious creatures, especially around women. They seldom verbalize their feelings and frequently make women wonder what they might be thinking. Instead of verbal communication, a man's body often speaks on his behalf giving you signs he is falling for you.

Through his body language, a man will intentionally or unintentionally reveal his true feelings through specific movements that his body makes. When you observe these reflexes and impulses, you will soon have many clear signs of his feelings for you.

Someone once said that the eyes are the window to the soul. This is very often one of the top signs he cares. He will have direct eye contact during conversations with you to show you that he is interested in you and what you have to say. The amount of eye contact usually increases as the relationship grows.

His face will reveal his emotions through non-verbal communication. If he is blushing, it might be because he is shy in your presence. Signs he is falling for you are communicated through his happy, cheerful face, and a bright smile. If you observe him stroking his cheek with his fingers, touching or pulling his ears, or rubbing his chin, these are also signs.

Men often lean forward and sit on the edge of their seats and face the woman they are talking to when they are particularly interested in her. If your man does this on a regular basis, read it as one of the many signs he is falling for you. He may speak so low that only you can hear him, in such a way that he is inviting you into his personal space and making the conversation an exclusive one between the two of you.

His body is giving you more signs he is falling for you when he starts preening himself. He will straighten his collar, adjust his tie, pull up his socks, stretch out his sleeves, and even smooth his hair to let you know he is interested.

Touching is another one of the powerful signs. When he sits across from you during dinner and his knees "accidentally" touch yours, take notice. Putting his arm around you and resting his hand on your shoulder during a movie is a subtle clue that he is comfortable with you. Firmly holding your hand or putting a hand on the small of your back while walking to the car are crystal clear signs he is starting to care.

When you are observing a man's body language for signs he is falling for you, remember that all men are not exactly the same and some may have all of the signs, while others only have two or three signs. It is also important to pay close attention to patterns of behavior rather than to pay too much attention to an isolated incident.

Real Love, Not Just Real Attraction

So many people confuse the feeling of attraction with the emotion of love. For some who are in chronically dangerous and pathological relationships, it's obvious that you have these two elements "mixed up." Not being able to untangle these understandably, can keep people on the same path of unsafe relationship selection, because they keep choosing the same way and getting the same people!

Attraction is largely not only unconscious, but also physical. There is actually something called "erotic imprint" which is the unconscious part that guides our attraction (I talk about this in the Dangerous Man book). Our erotic imprint is literally "imprinted" in our psyches when we are young - at that age when you begin to notice and be attracted to the opposite sex. As I mentioned, this is largely an unconscious drive. For instance, I like stocky, fair-haired men. Whenever I see that type of image, I immediately find that man "attractive." I can vary slightly on my attraction, but I'm not going to find Brad Pitt attractive. I might forego the full 'stocky' appearance, but I'm not going to let go of some of the other traits that make men appealing to me. We like what we like. For instance, I am attracted to Johnny Depp or George Cloney. I don't like any of the blondes or overly tall and lanky body types.

If you think back to what your "attraction basis" is you may find some patterns there as well. Attraction, however, can also be behavioral, or based on emotional characteristics. For instance, some women are attracted to guys with a great sense of humor. The attraction is based on that particular characteristic. Other women may be attracted to athletic guys, not because of what physical exercise does to their bodies, but because of the behavioral qualities of athletes. Attraction can be subtle - like the unconscious erotic imprinting that makes us select men based on physical attributes - or attraction may lead us to choose relationships based on behaviors or emotional characteristics like displays of empathy, helpfulness, or friendliness. (I have discussed your own high traits of empathy, helpfulness, and friendliness in Women Who Love Psychopaths.)

Although these traits might guide our relationship selection, this is not the foundation of love. It's the foundation of selection. Often, our relationship selection comes more from attraction then it does anything else. So knowing "who" and "what types" you are attracted to will help you understand your patterns of selection. Some people choose characteristics—helpfulness, humor, gentleness, or another quality that they seem to be drawn to. Other people are more physical in their attraction and find the physicality of someone either a "go" or a "no." Maybe you like blonds or blue eyes. This may also drive your pattern of selection.

Also, in the area of attraction—sometimes it's Traumatic Attraction that seems to drive our patterns of selection. Those who have been abused, especially as children, can have unusual and destructive patterns of selection. This will be discussed in further detail in the next newsletter.

This Valentine's Day, be very clear about love and attraction. This is a time when you might be likely to want to reconnect with him. Let me remind you, NOTHING has changed. His pathology is still the same. On February 15th you could hate yourself for reconnecting with him for one weak moment on February 14th, in which the world is focused on love, but he is focused on manipulation, control, or anything OTHER than love. If you open that door, then you will have weeks or months of trying to get him out and disconnect again.

Instead, plan ahead for your potential relapse by setting up an accountability partner and something to do! Go to a movie with a friend, go out to dinner, or do SOMETHING that takes responsibility and action for your own loneliness at this time of year. Whatever you do, don't have a knee-jerk reaction and contact him. One day on the calendar about love is just an ILLUSION!

Do We Have Misconceptions of Love?

Society has told us that one day we will grow up to meet the person who completes us, the person who is our counterpart, our other half. Is it just me, or is that conception a little, I don’t know, disturbing? Is it bothersome to think that you are not whole, and without this other half you will be harboring this ever-present inner void?

If we don’t meet this kind of soulmate, are we incomplete?

I tend to think that true love and its essence are not about finding that other half, but about finding another whole. After all, we all are whole: It just takes growth and experience to become the person we want to be, to feel secure in our own skin. When two wholes meet and fall in love, that’s when a relationship can find strength and move forward.

Who knows — maybe there’s a reason why those Nicholas Sparks romance dramas unfold the way they do. His stories usually center on young love. Then there’s an inevitable breakup and heartache, but right when you think it’s not meant to be, the two estranged lovers do find a way back to each other — it just so happens that it’s years later when they’re older, and have possibly come into their own, perhaps no longer pining for a half that was “missing.”

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the New York Times bestseller Eat Pray Love, has an interesting take on the role of soulmates:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.”

passionate phase of a relationship starts to disintegrate, the chemistry may be lost as well.

“After a few months or a year or two, at most, the ties of romantic love normally die down into embers,” say psychologists Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener. According to their positive psychology book, Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, Hollywood fuels the image of “true love,” which is highlighted by individuals moving from relationship to relationship in search of sustainable passion.

Many couples break up during this transition; however, they’re missing out on the phase that’s to follow. A period of passionate love gives way to companionate love, where there is a readiness to accept and acknowledge a partner’s flaws and sacrifices are made for each another.

“It’s true that passion comes and goes during companionate love, and that a spouse can sometimes feel like a friend instead of a lover,” say Diener and Biswas-Diener. “This is a sign that the relationship is growing rather than dying.”

Since the type of love in a relationship is an integral source of overall fulfillment, it’s also important to tread carefully when encountering deficiency-love. The Happiness book suggests that this form of love does pose potential consequences for long-term happiness in a relationship; the theory is based on the belief that we are attracted to those who satisfy our needs.

“If you’re low in self-esteem you will find attractive a person who gives you many compliments,” Diener and Biswas-Diener explain. “If you get bored easily, you will be drawn to an entertaining, exciting person.”

They propose that deficiency-love is substantial for as long as our needs are stable, but as we evolve and grow, our needs change. Unless our partner’s needs change at the same pace as our own, the relationship can be in jeopardy when the other person no longer can supply something we need or desire.

I tend to believe that love can certainly bring out the best in us, and true romantic love does ignite great happiness. But when it comes to relationships, it may be worth questioning the idiosyncracies and nuances that come with the territory.

Reference:

Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener. (2008). Happiness: Unlocking the 

Secret to Psychological Wealth. Wiley-Blackwell.

10 Tips to Enhance Your Love Bonds

Here’s what we know about mutual gazing, bungee jumping, and arranged marriages.

Gazing at someone increases positive feelings toward them. The key word here is mutual. Mammals stare at other mammals as a sign of intimidation, but if the gaze is mutual there is a shift toward emotional bonding. It is the vulnerability shared by the mutuality of the experience that ushers in the positive experiences.

Allowing yourself to look into the eyes of a willing participant tends to create a vulnerability that warms us up and helps us feel drawn to the other person. While the degree of attraction may differ, it is in a positive direction.

Here are the 10 ways to enhance your intimate bonds with another.

1. Arousal through means of exercise — bungee jumping, amusement park rides, dancing and the like — tends to create an emotional bond.
2. Proximity and familiarity — simply being around others for a period of time — tends to induce positive feelings. This is particularly enhanced when individuals allow themselves to be vulnerable and permit each other to occupy some of their personal space.
3. Birds of a feather flock together, and for good reason. Similarity to others in areas such as intelligence, background and level of attractiveness increases a sense of closeness.
4. Humor goes a long way in a relationship. Research shows that women prefer male partners who can make them laugh, and happy marriages that last are those where spouses know how to tickle each other’s funny bone.
5. Doing something new together brings us closer. When our senses are stimulated with something different we are vulnerable; this helps us connect.
6. As anyone who ever met someone he or she started dating at a cocktail party will tell you, becoming less self-conscious and lowering your inhibitions can allow you to open up and connect. But it doesn’t have to involve alcohol. Anything that lets you feel less inhibited will work. Maybe it’s time to take that acting class, hmmm?
7. Opportunities for spontaneity occur throughout the day, particularly though the act of being spontaneously kind to others. Research shows that simply counting the number of times each day you engage in kindness can make you happier. In fact, kindness, sensitivity, thoughtfulness and forgiveness increase our desire and capacity to bond.
8. As you might imagine, touch and sexuality are part of what attracts us to each other. Consider an experiment where subjects were able to correctly identify the 10 emotions conveyed through touch by an unseen person. Our nonverbal somatic vocabulary is exquisite and much can be conveyed by touch.
9. Self-disclosure to each other via secrets and personal thoughts and feelings generates a vulnerability that helps us link to each other in positive ways.
10. Research has identified commitment as the cornerstone in the foundation of love. In fact, the more committed you are to a relationship, the less likely you are to see your partner in a negative light.In a companion article in the same Scientific American Mindissue, Suzann Pileggi reported on research challenging some of our thoughts — and confirming others — about what makes happy couples. The most powerful finding was that couples who thrive and flourish in their relationships are there for each other when the times are rough. But more important, they are there for each other when the times are good. Couples who stay together in loving relationships celebrate the joyous, happy moments in their lives and strive to incorporate more of these into their togetherness. Simple acts such as sharing a moment of gratitude or positive experience from your day with your partner generates feelings of greater security in the relationship as well as a stronger bond.
To summarize, if you want to be in love, gaze into each other’s eyes, go for a bungee jump, and celebrate that new promotion together.

How Good Are You at Loving?

It is often said that love is a feeling. Since feelings are subjective, this makes it very difficult to describe love let alone determine how much someone loves another person.  However, I want to take a different approach.  Love, I will show, is not merely a feeling.  Rather it is an activity.  Moreover, this activity involves skill-building.  Thus you can work at cultivating your love for another.  You can get better (or worse) at loving someone. It is also possible to rank how well you are doing at loving someone.  In fact, I will provide a "love inventory" that will help you to determine just how good you (or your significant others) really are at loving.

"To love," said Stendhal, "is to derive pleasure from seeing, touching, and feeling through all one's senses and as closely as possible, a lovable person who loves us." This is the popular view of what love is--a deep, all-pervasive positive feeling toward another person.  Indeed, it is such a view of love that leads many of us to ask questions like these: "Is this feeling that I have really love?"  "Yes I feel comfortable with him (her), but is this love?"  "I thought falling in love would feel like fireworks going off, and this doesn't."  "We have great sex but I am just not sure if it's love."

But are these really the questions we should be asking when we ponder whether we are in love or whether others love us?  Are these instead red herrings that distract us from the questions we should be asking?
The answer I want to suggest is in the affirmative; for in my view, love is not a feeling in the first place.  While people in love do indeed experience tingles, titillations, or other warm and fuzzy churnings, these are not themselves what love is.  These positive feelings and sensations may be like the icing on the cake, but not the cake.  They make loving feel good; but they are not what makes love so valuable and coveted by all or most of us. When you're in love you may get goose bumps but we would be hard pressed to say that being in love is getting goose bumps. So what then is love?
To be sure, love does take different forms depending on the type of relationship.  In romantic love, there is sexual attraction to the beloved.  In familial love the attraction is based on blood; in close friendship it can be a kindred soul, like-mindedness, or shared experiences.  In the love of a mother for a child it can be the bond established through birth; or in fatherly love a projection of self.  But the feelings to which these bonds and attractions give rise are not themselves what love is.  So what, then, is it?
Love, I submit, is a purposive activity undertaken by two (or more) people in a close, intimate relationship such as the aforementioned ones.  While it is often said that "love is blind," this is, strictly speaking, only true of misguided love or love that has strayed from its essential purpose.


To see that love has such a purpose and what that purpose is, try saying something like "I love her but I don't give a damn about her."  Such a statement falsifies itself because to love someone you must care about them, and care about them a lot.  People who truly love others want them to be safe, secure, and happy.  They place their welfare and happiness at a premium.
Of course, I can be highly concerned about the welfare of certain others without loving them.  Thus, doctors, teachers, or other helping professionals could care about the welfare, happiness, and safety of their patients, students and clients but would be hard pressed to say that they love them.  This is because such individuals, if they follow their codes of ethic, will maintain professional distance and will not become intimate with their patients, students, and clients.
So loving is an intimate, personal activity that seeks the welfare, happiness, and safety of another.  Here intimacy may involve living with the other and sharing very personal aspects of one's life.  It may involve being a parent, a close friend, a spouse, or a partner.  Here, friendship could sometimes include co-workers and confidents and others whom you have gotten to know on a close personal level.
However, we should tread carefully here because it may be easy sometimes to confuse infatuation with love.  Thus, people may imagine themselves being in an intimate relationship with people they barely know.  They may feel sexual attractions for and even be obsessed with others.  Some people may think they love others who may not even know they exist.  However, these relationships are not ones that support love, even if some of them may evolve into love.


Loving involves being in a relationship with another.  In a functional loving relationship there are mutual expectations.  If I love you and you don't accept my love then the relationship is dysfunctional because the primary purpose of love is not easily accomplished.  If you don't let me love you, then my love will be squandered on you.
As such, to be in love is to be engaged in an activity that can be done well or not so well.  One can be good at loving or poor at it depending on how good (or bad) one is at accomplishing the purpose or goal of loving someone.  The statement, "I love you very much" may sometimes be a deep expression of a feeling that comes with being in love; but it can also be uttered by people who do not know the first thing about how to love another.  This is because this statement, if it is meaningful, is not simply a report about a subjective feeling going on at the time that it is uttered.
To be meaningful, you must put your actions where your mouth is.  This means doing things that promote the other's happiness, welfare, and safety.  Now, within intimate relationships there are certain human qualities that tend to promote these values and which, when absent, greatly lower the prospects for attaining them.  The qualities in question consist of cognitive-behavioral habits, that is, habits to act and think in certain ways that tend to promote the happiness, welfare, and safety of loved ones. The following are some of these key cognitive-behavioral qualities.

Being there

 If you love someone, you will be there for this person in difficult times.  For example, if I am upset over life circumstances (for example, the death of a parent) and you love me, then you will be there for me, even if it's a shoulder to cry on or an empathetic ear to listen and reflect.  If I am ill, then if you love me you will be there to care for me in my time of need.
So, "being there" may sometimes require some degree of self-sacrifice.  Suppose, for example, your spouse has a professional opportunity that requires that you move to another state, or even country. While this might involve self-sacrifice (say giving up your job and seeking employment in this new location), it would be an act of love to do this for your spouse.  Of course, if your spouse loves you, then he or she would not want to cause you unhappiness.  Thus there would invariably be mutual consideration among people who truly love each other.
In any event, lovers who are willing to make personal sacrifices for each other are better at loving than those who are not so willing.  It also seems fair to say that people tend to be poor at loving who are unwilling to make any personal sacrifices.  This is because promoting happiness of another with whom one is intimate tends to involve some measure of sacrifice, even if it is giving up an occasional preference or making reasonable compromises.

Being beneficent

It is not enough to be there in time of need.  If you love someone you should want to do things to advance this person's happiness even when there are no crises or significant problems at hand. This may include anything from surprising loved ones with a special gift to encouraging and helping to advance their careers, education, or other positive goal to their happiness.  Indeed, when parents send their children to a top notch college even when they cannot easily afford it this is a significant act of love because it is calculated to positively advance the child's happiness and prosperity now and in later years.

Love Yourself

True love starts with self-love. You must love and respect yourself in order to 

unconditionally give and receive true love. The choice of a mate necessarily requires a deep understanding of who you are and what you desire as well as what you don't want in a lifelong partnership. Otherwise, you may tumble into a romance based on physical attraction and chemistry and only after you have become emotionally invested will you discover fatal flaws in the relationship.

The Law of Attraction will bring you excellent candidates for your life partner. You help it accomplish that goal by a thorough understanding of your personality, the aspects that drive your choices, and your most important core beliefs and values. Then you must decide what you seek in others.

Brain chemistry changes depending on how long you have been in love. Blind attraction does not necessarily ensure a long and lasting commitment.

Relationships often end because one or both of the individuals in the relationship could not live with some quality, habit, or trait of the other once their brain chemistry returned to normal and the attraction stage of love shifted to the attachment stage at around 30 months. Lack of attachment during the cooling off may account for why divorces hit a peak at around four years.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., professor and human behavior researcher at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love, says that biological programming is why people get antsy after about four years of marriage. The drive for a couple to remain together to see a child through its infancy (or about four years) dates back millions of years. The normal duration for infatuation is two to three years, according to Fisher.

Probing Below the Surface of Who You are 

Psychologists say that emotionally healthy people who thrive in strong, committed relationships may have had the advantage of having healthy relationships modeled for them. Their interpersonal relationships include such elements as respect, boundaries, truthfulness, and transparency.

Others, who don't seem to be able to make successful relationships, may have had less nurturing models or are driven by psychological factors (such as the need to rescue, seek father figures, or date bad boys or divas) to choose bad partners because their own self-esteem is low.

Carrying Forward Old Wounds

Those who have studied human relationships assert that on a deep subconscious level, we carry psychological patterns and wounds from previous relationships that can sabotage our current ones. These wounds may not even be ours; they may have been inherited from our parents.

Spend some quiet time reflecting on how your answers to the following questions might be impacting your current relationships. Then consider whether you desire to have someone in your life who triggers or engages in such behaviors.

• Were family members verbally abusive? Was that tolerated in your family?
• Did members of your family practice manipulation instead of truthful integrity as a means of winning?
• Did the adults in your family stoically conceal their emotions? On the other hand, were they emotionally volatile?
• Did either of your parents ever have an affair? If so, was trust ever restored?
• Did anyone withhold love or intimacy as a means to manipulate?
• Did someone suffer an addiction and hurt others as a result?
• Was hitting or spanking a child acceptable punishment in your family?

Evaluate the choices you have made in selecting romantic companions. Try to identify patterns. Do you keep attracting the same type of person? At first, you believe your new love to be the ideal romantic partner, but you eventually discover that you are not good together. Are you an incurable romantic who falls in love at first sight and all too soon has to accept the end of the relationship? Maybe you prefer romantic partners who remind you of someone in your past or in your family — a father figure, for example. Do you seek people whose attitudes are compatible with yours but whose personalities are not? Does it seem that you are always attracted to your mirror opposite?

one of the most important relationship lessons I learned was this:  The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves.  Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships.  They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses.

Let’s consider why this is true.  Where do all your relationships exist?  They exist in your thoughts.  Your relationship with another person is whatever you imagine it to be.  Whether you love someone or hate someone, you’re right.  Now the other person may have a completely different relationship to you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you is also part of your thoughts.  So your relationship with someone includes what you think of that person and what you believe s/he thinks of you.  You can complicate it further by imagining what the other person thinks you think of him/her, but ultimately those internal representations are all you have.

Even if your relationships exist in some objective reality independent of your thoughts, you never have access to the objective viewpoint.  You’re always viewing your relationships through the lens of your own consciousness.  The closest you can get to being objective is to imagine being objective, but that is in no way the same thing as true objectivity.  That’s because the act of observation requires a conscious observer, which is subjective by its very nature.

At first it might seem troublesome that you can never hope to gain a truly accurate, 100% objective understanding of your relationships.  You can never escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness.  That would be like trying to find the color blue with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes.  That doesn’t stop people from trying, but such attempts are in vain.  If you fall into the trap of trying to think of your relationships as objective entities that are external to you, you’ll be using an inescapably inaccurate model of reality.  Consequently, the likely outcome is that you’ll frustrate yourself to no end when it comes to human relationships.  You’ll make relating to other people a lot harder than it needs to be.  Intuitively you may know something is off in your approach to relationships, but you’ll remain stuck until you realize that every relationship you have with another person is really a relationship that exists entirely within yourself.

Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of relationships, you’ll have a much easier time relating to people.  It’s easier to get where you want to go when you have an accurate map.  The subjective view of relationships implies that you can change or improve your relationships with others by working on the internal relationships within yourself.  Furthermore, you can improve your internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your relationships with others.  Ultimately it’s all the same thing.

Here’s a basic example of how this works.

When I first met Erin, I quickly noticed she had an aversion towards orderliness.  Having a messy room was a habit since childhood, and being organized was a concept forever alien to her.  In Erin’s filing cabinet, I once found a file labeled “Stuff I Don’t Need.”  Chew on that for a while.

On the other hand, I grew up in a house that was always — and I do meanalways — neat and tidy.  Even as a child, I took pride in keeping my room clean and well organized.  So it probably comes as no surprise that I often push Erin to be neater and more organized.

If we try to look at this situation “objectively,” you might suggest solutions like me working on becoming more tolerant of disorder, Erin working on being neater, or a mixture of both.  Or you might conclude we’re incompatible in this area and that we should try to find ways to reduce the level of conflict.  Basically the solution will be some kind of compromise that seeks to mitigate the symptoms, but the core issue remains unresolved.

Let’s see what the subjective lens has to say now.  This model says that my relationship with Erin is purely within my own consciousness.  So my conflict with Erin is just the projection of an internal conflict.  Supposedly my desire for Erin to be neater and more organized means that I really want to improve in this area myself.  Is that true?  Yes, I have to admit that it is.  When I criticize Erin for not being neat enough, I’m voicing my own desire to become even more organized.

This is an entirely different definition of the problem, one that suggests a new solution.  In this case the solution is for me to work on improving my own standards for neatness and order.  That’s a very different solution than what we get with the objective model.  To implement this solution, Erin needn’t even be involved.

From the standpoint of the objective model, this subjective solution seems rather foolish.  If anything it will only backfire.  Wouldn’t my working on becoming neater just increase the conflict between me and Erin?

Now here’s the really fascinating part.  When I actually tried the subjective solution by going to work on myself, Erin suddenly began taking a keen interest in becoming more organized herself.  She bought new home office furniture and assigned new homes to objects that were previously cluttering her work space.  She hired a cleaning service to clean the house and did more decluttering before they came over.  She bought new bedroom furniture for our children.  She did a lot of purging and donated many old items to charity.  She began looking for a housekeeper and wrote up a list of cleaning tasks to be outsourced.  And I really wasn’t pushing her to do this.  If anything she started pushing me a bit.

Somehow when I worked on myself (recognizing that this is an internal issue, not an external one), Erin came along for the ride.  I’ve tested this pattern in other ways, and it continues to play out.  My ”external” relationships keep changing to keep pace with my internal relationships.  I’ve seen this effect with other people too, but it’s been most obvious with Erin and my kids, since they’re the people I spend the most time with.  It’s rather spooky at times how strong and immediate the effect is.  However, the subjective model suggests that this is exactly how reality works, so I’m glad to have a paradigm that fits the results.

I encourage you to experiment to see how your external relationships reflect your internal ones.  Try this simple exercise:  Make a list of all the things that bother you about other people.  Now re-read that list as if it applies to you.  If you’re honest you’ll have to admit that all of your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself.  For example, if you dislike George Bush because you think he’s a poor leader, could this be because your own leadership skills are sub par?  Then go to work on your own leadership skills, or work on becoming more accepting of your current skill level, and notice how George Bush suddenly seems to be making dramatic improvements in this area.

It can be hard to admit that your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself, but the upside is that your relationship issues reveal where you still need to grow.  Consequently, a fantastic way to accelerate your personal growth is to build relationships with others.  The more you interact with others, the more you learn about yourself.

I believe the true value of human relationships is that they serve as pointers to unconditional love.  According to the subjective model, when you forgive, accept, and love all parts of yourself, you will forgive, accept, and love all other human beings as they are.  The more you improve your internal relationships between your thoughts, beliefs, and intentions, the more loving and harmonious your human relationships will become.  Hold unconditional love in your consciousness, and you’ll see it reflected in your reality.

Silly Human Love Relationship Tricks To Keep The Sexy Flowing

Are you in a relationship? Thinking about being in one? I have a few absurdly simple tips to share. They come from listening to countless people talk about their relationships in my sexuality coaching practice, and of course from my own experiences! These tips have the ability to make toes curl and hearts swell.  Don't we all want that?

So, I put together my favorite "keep it simple and  keep it hot" relationship tip list. These are the tips that keep my own attention and happy meter going in relationship - maybe it will spark some ideas for you or remind you that it might be time to practice a little relationship love. Please don't be shy! Copy this and send this list to your beloved to practice them with you!

1. Do you tell your beloved that you are happy? That they are getting it right? I know that most of us (all genders) are pretty good at nagging and telling our beloveds when we are unhappy and triggered. But do we take the time to say "Hey, I'm so happy with you and us! You are simply nailing it right now! Thank you."  Probably not enough.

2. Use social media to send a little drive by kiss when your beloved doesn't expect it. A sexy text during the work day. A phone call in the middle of the night when you are traveling or away - just to say "Hello hot thing. I couldn't sleep thinking about you". A twitter or facebook posting that only they would understand - or play bigger and more public and throw a great big public display of affection on line! Whether it is publicly private in secret code or wild and for everyone to understand - it will send a blush to their cheeks and make their hearts skip a beat! Use the technology to send a little hot and sexy. Your two minute effort may last the whole day in big pay off happiness for your beloved and change the entire climate in your relationship. Tweet, Tweet!
3. When was the last time you told you beloved that you were really blessed that they are willing to stay in your life through all the craziness? Send some appreciation and acknowledgement that they are important to your life and well being. Tell them that your happiness is enhanced by having them in your life. Tell your darling, no matter how long or short your relationship time line has been - that their "staying in" is important to you. We all want to know that we are wanted, needed, and loved. That our simple presence adds magic to our beloveds life - even in times when things not perfect.
4. Sing to them! Send a YouTube link to a song...and tell them that it is being sung just for them. I promise you that they will play it again and again.
5. Gifts do count. Gifts say so many things! Like "Surprise! I was thinking of you! And I love you!". Gifts don't have to be big or expensive. Let it be something that speaks to your relationship. Bring one Daisy. Put a card in the mail even if you live together, (people hardly send cards anymore!) and watch the reaction when your sweetie gets that instead of a bill! Bring a trinket with a bow. Send a book! We all love to be thought about and honored. Gifts do that.
6. "See" your partner. Tell them that they are sexy and beautiful to you. Compliment the dimples or the curve of waist. Kiss the top of a bald head or stroke that full head of hair. Let your partner know that they do indeed turn you on. None of us can hear that enough.
7. Give extra. I don't know what it is in your life. Is it time? A foot rub? That special thing that your partner loves....do it some more!
8. Feel your partners emotions. For example when things are not going so well, try using your empathy and playfulness. Don't say things like "I am sorry that my forgetting to take out the trash contributing to your feelings that you never feel taken care of." That is not empathy. That is blame shifting. Try something like, "Damn, is that unhappy face there because I forgot the trash again? My bad! Will you forgive me if I do the dishes and kiss your face all over? I know that you had a long day!"
9. Don't over process. When was the last time you just laid in each others arms and let your bodies talk to each other? Do that some more.
10. Repeat this list often!
These are very simple relationship tips that most of us don't practice nearly enough. If you take one thing from my list - this is the most important tip of all.
Are you happy? Does your sweetie make you happy? Is there one thing that is fabulous right now that they are doing? Please tell them.