Soul Love 

If you love a person, because it is beautiful, it turns out, when it loses its beauty, you stop loving him. If you love a man for his money, then when it blows up you stop loving him. If you love a man for his large and strong muscles, then when he gets injured incompatible with exercise and lose its shape, you stop loving him. I like to turn my words for men as well. If you love a woman for her slim figure, when she gives birth to your children and  her body  be little bit chubby, you stop loving her. In addition, there is always someone who is stronger, more beautiful, slimmer and richer. Only if man like the soul of women and women like a soul of man, they will never stop loving each other  and even after death you & her will be together, because the soul does not die. I really wish excellent life for all couples

)))

Support Him

I get lots of emails from women asking me for tips on how to support the man in their lives. Why? I think it’s because while gals have mastered the role of being incredibly helpful to their female friends, they manage to miss the boat when it comes to guys.From the time that they are little boys, men are taught NOT to ask for support— that they are “weak” or less than masculine if they need help. No wonder so many grown-up guys are clueless on how to ask for and accept support from their partners.

1.Show Optimism. When he comes home with a harebrained scheme about building a rocket to the moon, respond to him, “Fantastic! I can’t wait to get there!” Sure it may seem a little nutty for anyone who isn’t an astrophysicist, but he sure will LOVE the fact that you’re on board regardless of the improbability of him completing that rocket. And your support is always an extra incentive – because your man wants to reward your unconditional support.

2.Push him. Once he decides to build that rocket, don’t let him get away with NOT doing it! There’s a fine line though: do not turn his lack of completion into an insult. men tend to thrive on a gentle mixture of belief and prodding. Unless you’re with a man who never seems to complete anything, you can’t hammer him with, “What happened to that rocket you were supposed to build? I knew you wouldn’t do it!” No, you want to go with something more along the lines of, “How is your rocket project going? How can I help you keep at it?” The message you’re sending is that you believe in him and that you want him to succeed. He’ll love you even more for that.

3.Remember that he’s your partner. There’s something to the saying, “Let a man be a man.” men want to provide and protect. This desire is probably driven in some aspects by biology but to an even greater extent, societal and sociological influences. And those influences are intense. The pressure to be that protector/provider is great, sometimes suffocating. Assure him that your love and support for him is unconditional. Let him know that you two are a team; working together towards the same goals... and that the success of your relationship is up to both of you.

The fact is that some men won't open up about all the stressors in their lives. It’s the man mentality. Encourage him to be open and help him realize that manhood shouldn’t be predicated upon "appearing" strong.

FEEL HIM  

Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.

It's clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. Because I care about these things, and care about the environments children grow in, I'm using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem—again.

From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test you on them—but life will.

• Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.
• Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.
• Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
• Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.
• Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
• View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.
• Know how to manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.
• If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.
• Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.
• Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
• Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
• Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.
• Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
• Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
• Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadness as well as hopes and dreams.

8 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship

Love is perhaps our most powerful emotion, and the need to be in a loving relationship may be one of the strongest needs we have. Being in an intimate relationship makes us feel connected, not only to our partner, but also to the world at large. When our hearts are filled with love, we feel profoundly content and satisfied. We become more patient, more empathetic, kinder, gentler. 

But personal intimacy doesn't merely affect our emotional well-being. According to numerous scientific studies, the power of love directly affects our physical health, too, by boosting our immune system, improving our cardiovascular functioning, and increasing our life expectancy. "Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well," says Dean Ornish, M.D., who explores the connections between love and health in his book Love & Survival (HarperCollins). "When you look at the scientific data, the need for love and intimacy is as important and basic as eating, breathing, and sleeping."

On Valentine's Day, we celebrate our love for each other over candlelit dinners or through exchanges of chocolates, flowers, and slinky lingerie. But a box of bon-bons only lasts so long. Experts agree that the key to a vitalized, long-lasting relationship is what you and your partner do the other 364 days of the year. Indeed, keeping your love alive requires continual time and effort. Following are eight steps you can take to keep the flame burning. 

1. Be Friends

Any healthy relationship must be based on a solid underlying friendship. Remember to treat your partner with the same kindness, respect, and appreciation as you would a close friend. Support, listen to, and laugh with each other. Don't allow yourselves to be rude or disrespectful. 

2. Stay Connected 

"Couples need to spend a lot of time with each other," advises David Kaplan, Ph.D., chair of the Department of Counselor Education and Rehabilitation programs at Emporia State University in Emporia, Kansas. "There is no substitute for quantity of time." Kaplan encourages couples to take a half-day a week to go out on a date. In addition, devote at least 15 minutes of your day to meaningful, one-on-one conversation — no television or kids allowed. 

3. Get Physical

Physical intimacy is a natural, and healthy, extension of a relationship. Our best sexual intentions are often put to rest, however, as we collapse into an exhausted heap at the end of the day. Instead, you and your partner need to consciously commit to turning up the heat. Leave the dishes in the sink, turn the laptop off, and just do it! Set the mood with the sensual music, and light some calming aromatherapy candles or incense. Learn to communicate your loving energy through touch.

4. Celebrate Each Other

Saying something kind and affectionate to your partner should be a daily habit. The expression of loving thoughts nourishes your relationship by helping you both remember what it is you treasure about each other. Let your partner know how much you appreciate him or her, and be generous with compliments and expressions of affection.

5. Fight Well

Since disagreements and arguments are inevitable, what's important is notwhether you fight but how you fight. When disagreements surface, keep them short. "No more than 10 minutes," says Kaplan. "After 10 minutes, it gets nasty and repetitive." Also, keep boundaries on the subject matter. Don't dredge up issues from last week or last month-keep your dispute focused on the matter at hand.

6. Take a Class

Feeling like your relationship could benefit from professional advice? Why not take a class on communications skills, attend a seminar on loving kindness, or read a book on relationship-building together? Your efforts will likely spark important discussions about your relationship and, ultimately, enhance it. A good starting point is Phillip McGraw, Ph.D.'s straight-talking tome Relationship Rescue(Hyperion, 2000).

7. Listen Carefully 

Being an attentive listener lets your partner know that his or her thoughts and feelings are important to you. Moreover, good listening encourages partners "to open up and be willing to share," say Richard and Kristine Carlson, authors of Don't Sweat the Small Things in Love (Hyperion, 1999). The secret, say the Carlsons, is not just to "hear" what your partner is saying, but to be truly "present," having a heartfelt desire to understand what is being said and listening without being judgmental.

8. Maintain Your Sense of Self

Partners must learn to balance their needs as individuals with their needs as a couple. "On one hand, you don't want people to be too far apart emotionally. If you don't spend time together, you become disengaged emotionally," says Kaplan. "The other end of the spectrum is couples that become too dependent on each other and their individual identity gets lost." Ideally, the two of you should be close enough to have intimacy, yet "far enough away to have individual identity," says Kaplan. Don't be afraid to develop some friendships and interests separate from your partner.

TOUCH HIS HEART

Many women asked me that how I touch my boyfriend heart, in another mean how I capture his heart for mine. Men psychologically is greatly differ than women in their mentality, behaviour and many situations reflexes, from experiences most problems are born due to lack of men mentality nature and how most of men think, in this essay; you will know little about men mentality and how they do think.

  ,, No one ever said that relationships are easy. This is because they really aren't. There is a lot of understanding that is needed. If you want to capture a man's heart then you will need to make sure that you are careful to learn to understand how men work. You will have to get in touch with him and who he is to touch him like no other.

The pace.
The first thing that you need to know is that men struggle with the pace of the relationship. It is hard to understand, but men struggle with moving quickly in a relationship. Because of this it is a good idea for you to let him lead the pace. This will make it so that he is comfortable in the relationship. It is when he relaxes that will allow him to fall in love.

Push his buttons.
The first thing that you need to do to touch him like no other is to push his buttons. This means that you should work on having fun with him and making him feel alive. Let him have fun and work on being uplifting, take interest in his hobbies and job, make him feel great, and work on touching his heart.

Sex.
It would seem that sex is always an issue. At the start of a relationship it is important that you make sure that you wait for sex. It is important that you give your relationship some time before you have sex. This will make it so that you can develop the emotional bonds that are important to making your relationship last.

Time. 
You should also work to balance your time out. You want to make sure that you spend enough time and enough good times together that you are able to make him feel alive. At the same time you want to make sure that you are spending enough time apart. This will make him miss you and to evaluate how he feels.

To capture a man's heart you need to touch him like no other. It is important that you let him lead the pace, you take care to push his buttons, and that you avoid sex at the start of the relationship. In addition to that you should also take the time to spend with him and to spend apart from him. Do these things and he will be yours. believe me; men the most easy to capture his heart, what I like to say more, appreciate, trust, believe and support him then you will see different person you have not ever seen before. GOOD LUCK .

How to Show Your Man Some Love

  I often see women asking the question: How can I show my husband I love him? Typical responses seem to include things like sending him love notes and making his lunch. Some people will suggest getting in shape and dressing well for him (great ways to make him feel good, actually!) but there is far too little information regarding what your husband really needs from you.

What He Needs to Know:

Your husband needs to know that you respect him. I know, I know, the concept might seem foreign to a lot of women. "Respect?" you say. "What's the big deal about respect?" But you see, men and women are, contrary to popular cultural belief... different. Women don't think the same, they don't act the same, and they don't respond the same to similar situations. Women always will be different, no matter how much society wishes to make them similar and equal. So indulge me for just a moment and take a look at what is important to a man.

Men need respect. Respect is vital to a man. For a woman, love is like oxygen. It is a living, breathing need for us. We will fall apart, or complain, or withdraw if we are feeling unloved. Men are the same way, except that their need is for respect and they will often withdraw from us when they don't feel that they are respected.

Additionally, men equate respect with love. They see your respect for them as a sign of your love. When you approach your husband with a proclamation of your love for him, he may be completely unphased. If you try telling him that you respect him, however, you may see a pronounced difference in his reaction.

How to Show Respect to Him

There are several things that you can do that will help your husband to feel respected by you.

Appreciate him:

Your husband will feel both appreciated and respected when you tell him how much it means to you that he supports (or helps to support) your family. His work is something that is very important to him and it means a great deal to a man when his woman respects and appreciates him for everything he does for her and their children!

Admire Him:

So what do you admire about your husband? Let's see... you admire the fact that he is an excellent cook . you admire him for his dedication to continuing education and increasing his knowledge. you admire him for knowing when to say "enough is enough." you admire him for doing the best he could as a single dad for so many years. you admire him for his artistic talent. you admire him for his perseverance in spite of adversity. let him see your soul beauty.you will find different person with you.

Adore Him (in a Human Sense)

This may look different depending on your individual circumstances, but your husband thrives on your adoration. Do you greet him at the door when he arrives home from work? This will show him that you adore him (and therefore that you love him). Do you take the time to give him a shoulder rub after a particularly difficult day? Do you take the time to spend "shoulder to shoulder" time with him (as he would with his guy friends?). Do you suggest activities for your family that you know he enjoys (golfing, fishing, etc)? Do you ever give him his space just so he can relax without worrying?

One Last Thing:

Ladies, like it or not, he cares about how you look. man never think like a women think, they see the situation from different prospect. they care about look, smell, behaviour even care about women walk, this in normal, you can imagine how that will happen if this your husband, he can count your breaths!!

make him always think you are different every hour you sit with him, Good luck 

21 Ways to Better Understand Your Man

1. Men are not mind readers. Ask for what you want with exactness. Hints of any kind will either not be noticed or misread. Just come out with it.

2. Most men are natural problem solvers. If you actually want help solving a problem, your man will help you get straight to a solution. Call your girlfriends if you are just looking for sympathy or attention.

3. Shopping is your sport, Monday Night Football is his. Let him enjoy his moment of Zen, while you enjoy yours.

4. If you can whine about him not being romantic and suave all the time, he can whine about you not wearing lingerie to bed and your 6 month  long "headache".

 5. Men consider crying a form of blackmail, but if it works...

6. If you've handed your man a "Honey-Do" list, do not follow with a list of instructions of how to accomplish his tasks. He made it through part of his life without your instruction, believe it or not.

7. When your man asks you a question, a simple answer of "Yes" or "No" will typically suffice.

8. If you have a nightly "headache" that has lasted for six months or more, please make an appointment with a physician and a counselor or sex therapist.

9. When arguing, men like to refer to the present because they know women have a special section reserved in their brains that can store an arsenal of fumbled comments from the past. In the world of men, all comments are inadmissible after 7 days, unless he opens his arsenal first; then you may fire away.

10. Practice putting the toilet seat down. He needs it up, you need it down. If you can whine about it being up, he can whine about it being down.

11. If your BMI is over 25, do not ask your man if you are fat. It's called entrapment.

12. It is counter-productive to your man's sense of peace to make you angry. If you have misconstrued a fumbled comment into a "You don't love me anymore"-fest, you might want to give him a chance to rephrase. Nine times out of ten, he didn't mean for it to come out in a way that would get him in trouble.

13. Only attempt to carry on a conversation during a Television show if you desire to become irate and start a fight. Otherwise, save comments for during commercials, or for some men, until the power goes out.

14. Noses will be picked, crotches will be scratched, and SBD's will be launched without warning; frequently. Don't fight it. No woman ever won this battle.

15. If your man notices your obvious discontent and asks "What's wrong?" and you answer "Nothing", expect for him to assume you really meant "nothing". Otherwise you will have to fume and bang some more cupboard doors for a few more hours until he asks again so you can unload your arsenal of irritations from the last month on him.

16. If you can't handle the truth, don't ask for it.

17. Unlike women who speak in metaphors and secret phrases that say one thing but mean another, men actually mean what they say. Try not to read into his comment "That looks fine" to translate to what it means when you say it, "Yeah. I guess I'll have to make do with that."

18. Addendum to rule 17: Most of the time men mean what they say. There are the occasions where his comment may reflect a fear of getting in trouble or having to explain everything about the comment. For example, 

"Honey, if you don't want to go to that restaurant, it's ok. Tell me which one you want to go to."

"I'm just not in the mood for Chinese. Can we go Italian?"

"Why do you suddenly not like Chinese? Why do you want Italian?"

Case in point: In depth review of the reasons behind comments and choices is something all men prefer to avoid. Let it be.

19. Bargaining is a necessary evil. If he wants you to serve up a tasty tray of goodies while he has the guys over for poker night, you get to have the girls over for drinks and loud conversations about all things female while he plays bartender.

20. He has seen all of your outfits. It is unnecessary to go through each one prior to an outing asking, "What about this one?" Look at what he's wearing. I'm sure whatever you can find will be fine.

21. Addendum to rule 20: Even though he has seen all of your lingerie, going through each outfit asking, "What about this one?" is no trouble at all. He would love to help you figure out which one you want to wear.

 How to Forgive and Forget 

Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice

When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:

1. Don’t start without your spouse
   If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”.
2. Handle negative emotions responsiblyWhen we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go.
3. Deal with one issue at a timeRemember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong.  This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing.
4. Be clear about your perspectiveGive each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem.
5. Hold your relationship more dear than this issueSometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right.
6. Walk in an attitude of forgivenessIf you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another many  times. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off.

Get him to appreciate you

Do you sometimes feel that you could be out all day and your bloke wouldn't even notice you'd gone? Do you think that he doesn't spot all the things you do for him?

You're not alone. Women up and down the country feel that they're not appreciated by their partner. But on the other hand men moan that when they do make an effort we don't notice. So what's the real problem here? And how can we avoid taking each other for granted?

One thing that scientists do know is that generally speaking, men have a natural urge to hunt, gather, provide and survive. Women have a natural urge to care, nurture and look after others.

Dating Doctor Peter Spalton says, 'Men like the excitement of the chase. When they've found a partner the chase is over so they put their energy into things like their career, sport or another interest. They don't realise that they still need to work at keeping their partner.'

If you feel unappreciated by your man it's time to take action. 'You need to think about what you can do to tempt your man back - because that's what it's really all about.

 We've come up with 9 simple things you can do to get him to appreciate you more

1. Do less

Do you iron his shirts, do his washing, make his dinner and more
besides? Stop! The more you do, the more he'll let you do without
lifting a finger. This isn't selfish or spiteful - this is just part of a
man's nature.

Tell him you won't do his washing any more because you have too much to
do or that you want to spend time doing something else. Once he starts
doing things for himself he'll realise how much you do for him. 

2. Love yourself more

Confidence is sexy. It doesn't matter what size or shape you are, men
find women who love their bodies a turn-on.

This is easier said than done. If you don't feel it fake it, just for
one day. Wear sexy underwear or your favourite outfit, do your nails, do
something that makes you feel sexy and see what response you get.

3. Be selfish

It's easy to get into a routine where you're the one doing everything
for everyone else. You end up with no time to yourself and feel
resentful.

It's time to be selfish and make some time for yourself. Ask your
partner to take the kids off your hands for a while so you can do
whatever you want to do.

If you can make this a regular thing it's another way to encourage your
man to appreciate you. He'll see you more as an individual and someone
who has their own interests. 

4. Play hard to get

from my study field and experiences 'Men love to chase, so you needs to play a bit hard to get his heart and mind, dislike you make him tired and exhausted from chase , be nice and know your man limit.

5. Build up your own self-confidence

Generally speaking, women tend to put more effort in to supporting and
building the confidence of their partners, rather than themselves. This
is a great skill to have but sometimes we need a little confidence boost
and we don't get it from our partners.

The best foundation for self-confidence is from our own approval of
ourselves rather than the approval of our partner, other men, other
women or what the media says.

Taking baby steps is the way forward. Start by thinking about one thing
that you're good at or that you like about yourself. Remind yourself of
this every day until you really believe it. 

6. Remember you're a woman

'People put up masks to protect themselves for whatever reason,
 'Often a women (or a man) in a serious relationship will
send a signal that says "I'm taken, so stay away"
'The problem is that this can become a habit and also keep their partner
away. She gets sucked into the day-to-day stuff like kids and work and
doesn't have the time or inclination to be womanly and sexy.'

7. Leave him be

Men like to take action and be proactive, they show they care with
actions. He works hard because he wants to provide for you and show you
he loves you, not just because he loves his job. 
Understand that this is one way he shows he loves you and let him know
that you appreciate the way he provides for you and the family. This
should lead to him showing you more respect and encourage a happier
relationship.

8. Accept his compliments

If you've been together a long time and you lack confidence it becomes
automatic that you brush off compliments. Your bloke may say: 'You look
nice in that top' and you reply with: 'Oh it's just an old thing, it's
too tight, too loose, the wrong colour, etc'.

This sort of reaction makes him feel rejected and he may think there's
no point in giving you compliments.
Next time he gives you a compliment accept it, say thank you and use it
as an opportunity to flirt and get what you want. Whether that's more
sex or him to do some dusting!

9. Flirt and tease

Most women are very good at flirting and teasing but get out of the habit when they get into a relationship. Women have 52 flirting tricks up their sleeve, men only have 10. And women should go 3 times over the top so he starts to pay attention.

10 Things Your Man Really Wants in Bed

During your marriage there will be many things that rob the two of you of each other's attention -- work, hobbies, periods of intense navel-gazing -- but nothing will ever hit you with the intensity of parenthood. Where warm, fuzzy feelings used to reign now lives a persistent sense of being misunderstood, unheard and under appreciated, for somewhere in your minds is a tape that goes like this: "If you loved me, you would..." -- "give me more help with the house and kids" (that's your tape) -- "give me more sex" (that's his).

If you're so tired that you can't see straight, sex seems like just another chore. Your husband, meanwhile, feels that your attentions have been permanently reassigned to the children and that he's basically been abandoned. 

Stop! In the midst of the demands of parenthood, you must find a way to give -- and get -- the attention you both desperately need, so your desire for each other doesn't wither. You won't get anywhere until you both accept that you're overwhelmed. It may help to look at your expectations -- of yourselves and each other -- and ask, what's good enough for now? By asking that question whenever something in marriage disappoints you, you'll have a shot at being happy with the way things are rather than just wishing they were otherwise. 

On some issues he'll bend more. On others you will. With luck, your husband will make the stretch and reach out to you -- maybe by taking the kids for one whole Saturday or by truly stepping up to the chores. Then you'll have to throw him a bone. Will it feel forced sometimes? Yes. Will you be tired? Yes. Will it feel planned, controlled? Yes. Will you want to bag it because it's just too hard? Yes. But at least you'll have tried, and sometimes that's good enough.

Men often appear to be mysterious creatures, especially around women. They seldom verbalize their feelings and frequently make women wonder what they might be thinking. Instead of verbal communication, a man's body often speaks on his behalf giving you signs he is falling for you.

Through his body language, a man will intentionally or unintentionally reveal his true feelings through specific movements that his body makes. When you observe these reflexes and impulses, you will soon have many clear signs of his feelings for you.

Someone once said that the eyes are the window to the soul. This is very often one of the top signs he cares. He will have direct eye contact during conversations with you to show you that he is interested in you and what you have to say. The amount of eye contact usually increases as the relationship grows.

His face will reveal his emotions through non-verbal communication. If he is blushing, it might be because he is shy in your presence. Signs he is falling for you are communicated through his happy, cheerful face, and a bright smile. If you observe him stroking his cheek with his fingers, touching or pulling his ears, or rubbing his chin, these are also signs.

Men often lean forward and sit on the edge of their seats and face the woman they are talking to when they are particularly interested in her. If your man does this on a regular basis, read it as one of the many signs he is falling for you. He may speak so low that only you can hear him, in such a way that he is inviting you into his personal space and making the conversation an exclusive one between the two of you.

His body is giving you more signs he is falling for you when he starts preening himself. He will straighten his collar, adjust his tie, pull up his socks, stretch out his sleeves, and even smooth his hair to let you know he is interested.

Touching is another one of the powerful signs. When he sits across from you during dinner and his knees "accidentally" touch yours, take notice. Putting his arm around you and resting his hand on your shoulder during a movie is a subtle clue that he is comfortable with you. Firmly holding your hand or putting a hand on the small of your back while walking to the car are crystal clear signs he is starting to care.

When you are observing a man's body language for signs he is falling for you, remember that all men are not exactly the same and some may have all of the signs, while others only have two or three signs. It is also important to pay close attention to patterns of behavior rather than to pay too much attention to an isolated incident.

Real Love, Not Just Real Attraction

So many people confuse the feeling of attraction with the emotion of love. For some who are in chronically dangerous and pathological relationships, it's obvious that you have these two elements "mixed up." Not being able to untangle these understandably, can keep people on the same path of unsafe relationship selection, because they keep choosing the same way and getting the same people!

Attraction is largely not only unconscious, but also physical. There is actually something called "erotic imprint" which is the unconscious part that guides our attraction (I talk about this in the Dangerous Man book). Our erotic imprint is literally "imprinted" in our psyches when we are young - at that age when you begin to notice and be attracted to the opposite sex. As I mentioned, this is largely an unconscious drive. For instance, I like stocky, fair-haired men. Whenever I see that type of image, I immediately find that man "attractive." I can vary slightly on my attraction, but I'm not going to find Brad Pitt attractive. I might forego the full 'stocky' appearance, but I'm not going to let go of some of the other traits that make men appealing to me. We like what we like. For instance, I am attracted to Johnny Depp or George Cloney. I don't like any of the blondes or overly tall and lanky body types.

If you think back to what your "attraction basis" is you may find some patterns there as well. Attraction, however, can also be behavioral, or based on emotional characteristics. For instance, some women are attracted to guys with a great sense of humor. The attraction is based on that particular characteristic. Other women may be attracted to athletic guys, not because of what physical exercise does to their bodies, but because of the behavioral qualities of athletes. Attraction can be subtle - like the unconscious erotic imprinting that makes us select men based on physical attributes - or attraction may lead us to choose relationships based on behaviors or emotional characteristics like displays of empathy, helpfulness, or friendliness. (I have discussed your own high traits of empathy, helpfulness, and friendliness in Women Who Love Psychopaths.)

Although these traits might guide our relationship selection, this is not the foundation of love. It's the foundation of selection. Often, our relationship selection comes more from attraction then it does anything else. So knowing "who" and "what types" you are attracted to will help you understand your patterns of selection. Some people choose characteristics—helpfulness, humor, gentleness, or another quality that they seem to be drawn to. Other people are more physical in their attraction and find the physicality of someone either a "go" or a "no." Maybe you like blonds or blue eyes. This may also drive your pattern of selection.

Also, in the area of attraction—sometimes it's Traumatic Attraction that seems to drive our patterns of selection. Those who have been abused, especially as children, can have unusual and destructive patterns of selection. This will be discussed in further detail in the next newsletter.

This Valentine's Day, be very clear about love and attraction. This is a time when you might be likely to want to reconnect with him. Let me remind you, NOTHING has changed. His pathology is still the same. On February 15th you could hate yourself for reconnecting with him for one weak moment on February 14th, in which the world is focused on love, but he is focused on manipulation, control, or anything OTHER than love. If you open that door, then you will have weeks or months of trying to get him out and disconnect again.

Instead, plan ahead for your potential relapse by setting up an accountability partner and something to do! Go to a movie with a friend, go out to dinner, or do SOMETHING that takes responsibility and action for your own loneliness at this time of year. Whatever you do, don't have a knee-jerk reaction and contact him. One day on the calendar about love is just an ILLUSION!

Do We Have Misconceptions of Love?

Society has told us that one day we will grow up to meet the person who completes us, the person who is our counterpart, our other half. Is it just me, or is that conception a little, I don’t know, disturbing? Is it bothersome to think that you are not whole, and without this other half you will be harboring this ever-present inner void?

If we don’t meet this kind of soulmate, are we incomplete?

I tend to think that true love and its essence are not about finding that other half, but about finding another whole. After all, we all are whole: It just takes growth and experience to become the person we want to be, to feel secure in our own skin. When two wholes meet and fall in love, that’s when a relationship can find strength and move forward.

Who knows — maybe there’s a reason why those Nicholas Sparks romance dramas unfold the way they do. His stories usually center on young love. Then there’s an inevitable breakup and heartache, but right when you think it’s not meant to be, the two estranged lovers do find a way back to each other — it just so happens that it’s years later when they’re older, and have possibly come into their own, perhaps no longer pining for a half that was “missing.”

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the New York Times bestseller Eat Pray Love, has an interesting take on the role of soulmates:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.”

passionate phase of a relationship starts to disintegrate, the chemistry may be lost as well.

“After a few months or a year or two, at most, the ties of romantic love normally die down into embers,” say psychologists Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener. According to their positive psychology book, Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, Hollywood fuels the image of “true love,” which is highlighted by individuals moving from relationship to relationship in search of sustainable passion.

Many couples break up during this transition; however, they’re missing out on the phase that’s to follow. A period of passionate love gives way to companionate love, where there is a readiness to accept and acknowledge a partner’s flaws and sacrifices are made for each another.

“It’s true that passion comes and goes during companionate love, and that a spouse can sometimes feel like a friend instead of a lover,” say Diener and Biswas-Diener. “This is a sign that the relationship is growing rather than dying.”

Since the type of love in a relationship is an integral source of overall fulfillment, it’s also important to tread carefully when encountering deficiency-love. The Happiness book suggests that this form of love does pose potential consequences for long-term happiness in a relationship; the theory is based on the belief that we are attracted to those who satisfy our needs.

“If you’re low in self-esteem you will find attractive a person who gives you many compliments,” Diener and Biswas-Diener explain. “If you get bored easily, you will be drawn to an entertaining, exciting person.”

They propose that deficiency-love is substantial for as long as our needs are stable, but as we evolve and grow, our needs change. Unless our partner’s needs change at the same pace as our own, the relationship can be in jeopardy when the other person no longer can supply something we need or desire.

I tend to believe that love can certainly bring out the best in us, and true romantic love does ignite great happiness. But when it comes to relationships, it may be worth questioning the idiosyncracies and nuances that come with the territory.

Reference:

Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener. (2008). Happiness: Unlocking the 

Secret to Psychological Wealth. Wiley-Blackwell.

10 Tips to Enhance Your Love Bonds

Here’s what we know about mutual gazing, bungee jumping, and arranged marriages.

Gazing at someone increases positive feelings toward them. The key word here is mutual. Mammals stare at other mammals as a sign of intimidation, but if the gaze is mutual there is a shift toward emotional bonding. It is the vulnerability shared by the mutuality of the experience that ushers in the positive experiences.

Allowing yourself to look into the eyes of a willing participant tends to create a vulnerability that warms us up and helps us feel drawn to the other person. While the degree of attraction may differ, it is in a positive direction.

Here are the 10 ways to enhance your intimate bonds with another.

1. Arousal through means of exercise — bungee jumping, amusement park rides, dancing and the like — tends to create an emotional bond.
2. Proximity and familiarity — simply being around others for a period of time — tends to induce positive feelings. This is particularly enhanced when individuals allow themselves to be vulnerable and permit each other to occupy some of their personal space.
3. Birds of a feather flock together, and for good reason. Similarity to others in areas such as intelligence, background and level of attractiveness increases a sense of closeness.
4. Humor goes a long way in a relationship. Research shows that women prefer male partners who can make them laugh, and happy marriages that last are those where spouses know how to tickle each other’s funny bone.
5. Doing something new together brings us closer. When our senses are stimulated with something different we are vulnerable; this helps us connect.
6. As anyone who ever met someone he or she started dating at a cocktail party will tell you, becoming less self-conscious and lowering your inhibitions can allow you to open up and connect. But it doesn’t have to involve alcohol. Anything that lets you feel less inhibited will work. Maybe it’s time to take that acting class, hmmm?
7. Opportunities for spontaneity occur throughout the day, particularly though the act of being spontaneously kind to others. Research shows that simply counting the number of times each day you engage in kindness can make you happier. In fact, kindness, sensitivity, thoughtfulness and forgiveness increase our desire and capacity to bond.
8. As you might imagine, touch and sexuality are part of what attracts us to each other. Consider an experiment where subjects were able to correctly identify the 10 emotions conveyed through touch by an unseen person. Our nonverbal somatic vocabulary is exquisite and much can be conveyed by touch.
9. Self-disclosure to each other via secrets and personal thoughts and feelings generates a vulnerability that helps us link to each other in positive ways.
10. Research has identified commitment as the cornerstone in the foundation of love. In fact, the more committed you are to a relationship, the less likely you are to see your partner in a negative light.In a companion article in the same Scientific American Mindissue, Suzann Pileggi reported on research challenging some of our thoughts — and confirming others — about what makes happy couples. The most powerful finding was that couples who thrive and flourish in their relationships are there for each other when the times are rough. But more important, they are there for each other when the times are good. Couples who stay together in loving relationships celebrate the joyous, happy moments in their lives and strive to incorporate more of these into their togetherness. Simple acts such as sharing a moment of gratitude or positive experience from your day with your partner generates feelings of greater security in the relationship as well as a stronger bond.
To summarize, if you want to be in love, gaze into each other’s eyes, go for a bungee jump, and celebrate that new promotion together.